What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
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Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good