The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
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having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.