My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
You Might Also Like
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it