Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
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Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”