We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
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I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
fly smarter, not harder
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score