The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
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No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
My dog learned how to text
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
saw this in a dream
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
What the hell happened in there??
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Unexpected Judgment
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.