You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
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Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Has there ever been a more American story?
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.