The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
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Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..