Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
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If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Life with a cat in one tweet
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.