whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
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The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
black phone good
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Who called it baking and not making love
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes