Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
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Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*