My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
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So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Who says great literature is dead?
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you