This raises questions
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The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.