if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”