Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
You Might Also Like
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.