Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
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Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”