My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
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Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I am yelling
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!