In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
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ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend