me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
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Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.