Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
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eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.