Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
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Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“