Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
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It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.