How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
You Might Also Like
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.