if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
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My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.