The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
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The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.