When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
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My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.