[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
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Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
bro what is going on at twitter
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.