doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
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GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Tastes like chicken.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope