[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
You Might Also Like
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
titanic
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
The struggle is real.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?