Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
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[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.