I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
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79.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Only Americans understand
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I