Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
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“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Good morning.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?