Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
You Might Also Like
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
new record!
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.