so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
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Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
We avoided this particular disaster
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Holy crap this is wonderful
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S