*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
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I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty