wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
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“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Body by Oreos
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me