Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
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IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”