Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
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Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I was bored.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.