Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
You Might Also Like
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk