Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
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Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…