What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.