How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
You Might Also Like
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Bro what is this
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
You better watch out
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one