A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
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FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
#Caturday
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.