It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
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WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways