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You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
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