Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
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Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
asking santa clause for nudes
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.