I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
You Might Also Like
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.