A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
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I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea