Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
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“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
peeping toms
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor