NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
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The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
They’re stuck in your pants?
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.